cmdreamer

“No darkness, no season can last forever.” – BTS Spring Day

Spring is a symbol of new beginnings to me. It’s the yearly reminder that there is a light at the end of the very cold (and sometimes snowy) tunnel. This situation is my cold tunnel and the new life I’m  learning to navigate is my spring.

On March 13th, I went in for a urodynamics test. The doctors joked that I didn’t need to study for this test but when I finally had to do the one thing for them to test my urinary tract, I felt completely unprepared. It involved the one thing I’m really not good at – urinating (surprise surprise).

The urodynamics test involved filling my bladder with liquid and placing sensors around my pelvic floor muscles to see how much I could urinate and the strength of my pelvic floor and bladder. The test results as you can imagine were not promising. It appears that my bladder was unable to produce enough pressure to push the urine out. Apparently, being stretched out for so long made it weak and there’s no fix for a weak bladder. 

Logically, I can reassure myself that I asked for help and I went to an expert and I relied on the doctors. But on another, more human level, I battle my mind every day from blaming myself and questioning all my decisions that led to this. 

My doctor, in the hopes of not completely destroying any hope I had of a regular life for a 24 year old, recommended acupuncture and pelvic floor therapy just in case. Just in case there’s a miracle and my bladder does have strength, but just needs more time and help to adjust. The kicker is, even if I magically could pee in a year during the next urodynamics test – I’d never trust my bladder to do its job. I’d be paranoid that it isn’t emptying fully and I’m slowly poisoning my body. 

So, even with that possibility, I know my options are limited. For the sake of my sanity and health, I’ve chosen to go forward with a permanent catheter. The options are 1) catheterize myself every four hours through my urethra, 2) through a suprapubic style catheter or 3) through a mitrofanoff style catheter. Since I’m not a doctor, I’ve added links to the last two types of catheters which are my only real options. Due to the torturous nature of my urethra, I would never be able to catheterize myself through my urethra. 

But, with a thesis and graduation date looming over my head – surgery has to wait. It has to wait because while the timing will never be perfect,  I need to mentally be ready to face my new life and I want to finish my old one first. 

Ultimately, life looks different now. The news has affected the way I think of working full time, moving out, creating a family, and just living in my 20s. And some days these thoughts pass without much turmoil. And other days the thoughts engulf me completely until I feel like I can’t breathe. 

The duality of these feelings makes it hard to explain to others and even harder to comprehend myself. But, I know that these feelings are valid. 

And yes, this isn’t a great situation. It’s shitty and it sucks and sometimes I ugly cry about it. But it’s also a new start at life without pain and silent suffering. As the weather gets warmer, I’m not frantically searching for shirts that cover my abdomen or light jackets that I can wrap around my waist to hide my distended right side. I’m wearing clothes that I only ever got to wear once a month, if that. I’m also finally eating enough without worrying about being physically sick all day. Hell, I can even walk around with an iced coffee and not be laying in bed hours later in the fetal position cursing myself for indulging in one drink. 

I can travel now. I can travel without worrying that I’ll ruin the experience or have to fight through the pain. I can take my sister up to college without staying up all night using the bathroom because I had to hold it on the four hour car ride…and then feel like puking the whole four hours back from lack of sleep and lower back pain (yes, this really happened). 

I know in due time, this new world I’m experiencing will become my normal. This new body I’m in will one day feel like mine. So, here’s to new beginnings and the people around us who make it possible to survive the winter to get to spring.